By Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
Read more from Hunt at the Jan Hunt Library and in her book, The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart
I was recently asked by a new mother when her newborn would learn to soothe himself to sleep. This is a common question in our culture, but it would have been unthinkable until relatively recently in human history. For thousands of generations, babies were carried all day until they could crawl and all children slept next to their parents and siblings at night; their cries received a quick response, and their culture recognized their needs as natural and normal. Mothers also had far more support from their friends and relatives (The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff and Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent by Meredith F. Small have inspiring descriptions of more natural life styles).
Today, mothers are often separated from their own parents and siblings, and have fewer people to turn to when they feel tired, ill, or simply in need of a break from child tending. Because of this, a baby's legitimate needs like being carried, having cries quickly attended to, and being nursed to sleep can feel emotionally and physically overwhelming in our stressful world; it is only natural that tired mothers wonder how to convince the baby to meet their needs. To the baby, of course, nothing has changed - his needs are the same as for all the Stone Age babies whose needs for constant touching and reassurance were more easily met. The problem is that modern mothers, in all their new isolation, are still having Stone Age babies. "Mother's helpers", support groups like the La Leche League, and parenting counseling can all help to reduce isolation.
While a baby's natural needs cannot be forcibly changed without traumatic effect, there are some things parents can try to make life easier, that will help the baby with the transition from waking to sleeping. Breastfeeding mothers should avoid foods and other substances that enhance wakefulness, such as coffee, caffeinated tea, colas, chocolate, certain herbs, and other stimulants, as babies and toddlers are more sensitive to caffeine than are adults. While most of the caffeine-containing foods listed can make it difficult to fall asleep, the type of caffeine in chocolate can bring about night-time waking, with difficulty getting back to sleep. Nursing mothers can substitute a relaxing substance that is safe for breastfeeding, such as chamomile tea1.
Establishing a bedtime ritual, such as a warm bath followed by book reading (Goodnight Moon is relaxing, as the pictures become gradually darker); soft music or singing, or a gentle massage can also be very soothing. Parents should try as much as possible to avoid stressful situations in the evening. Young children are the "emotional barometers" in the family, and can react to stress and excitement even if they are too young to understand the causes of this. Parents should also avoid loud noises and bright lights, especially close to bedtime. A dimmer switch can be helpful in this transition - electric lights, with their sudden shift from brightness to darkness are a new stimulus for a Stone Age baby! Room-darkening window shades can help block out morning sunlight. In a recent study, jasmine scent sprayed on bedding was found to help subjects fall asleep more quickly and to sleep more soundly. "Sleep talking" (talking softly to a sleeping child)2 is another helpful approach, during which a parent can ask the baby or child for help, provide explanations of stressful situations, apologize when needed, or simply express love to the child.
Finally, remember the Motherhood Mantra. "This too shall pass," even when it feels like nothing will ever change. One day every parent will look back on this period with a sweet longing and an amazement that it went by so quickly! These early years are an opportunity to enjoy a baby's love in all its purity.
1 For more information, see "Is This Herb Safe for Nursing Moms?".
2 See "While Children Sleep".
For more information on infant sleep, see resources at: BABY SLEEP: A REVIEW OF RESEARCH
For more on sleep training see resources at: SLEEP TRAINING: A REVIEW OF RESEARCH
Read more from Hunt at the Jan Hunt Library and in her book, The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart
I was recently asked by a new mother when her newborn would learn to soothe himself to sleep. This is a common question in our culture, but it would have been unthinkable until relatively recently in human history. For thousands of generations, babies were carried all day until they could crawl and all children slept next to their parents and siblings at night; their cries received a quick response, and their culture recognized their needs as natural and normal. Mothers also had far more support from their friends and relatives (The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff and Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent by Meredith F. Small have inspiring descriptions of more natural life styles).
Today, mothers are often separated from their own parents and siblings, and have fewer people to turn to when they feel tired, ill, or simply in need of a break from child tending. Because of this, a baby's legitimate needs like being carried, having cries quickly attended to, and being nursed to sleep can feel emotionally and physically overwhelming in our stressful world; it is only natural that tired mothers wonder how to convince the baby to meet their needs. To the baby, of course, nothing has changed - his needs are the same as for all the Stone Age babies whose needs for constant touching and reassurance were more easily met. The problem is that modern mothers, in all their new isolation, are still having Stone Age babies. "Mother's helpers", support groups like the La Leche League, and parenting counseling can all help to reduce isolation.
While a baby's natural needs cannot be forcibly changed without traumatic effect, there are some things parents can try to make life easier, that will help the baby with the transition from waking to sleeping. Breastfeeding mothers should avoid foods and other substances that enhance wakefulness, such as coffee, caffeinated tea, colas, chocolate, certain herbs, and other stimulants, as babies and toddlers are more sensitive to caffeine than are adults. While most of the caffeine-containing foods listed can make it difficult to fall asleep, the type of caffeine in chocolate can bring about night-time waking, with difficulty getting back to sleep. Nursing mothers can substitute a relaxing substance that is safe for breastfeeding, such as chamomile tea1.
Establishing a bedtime ritual, such as a warm bath followed by book reading (Goodnight Moon is relaxing, as the pictures become gradually darker); soft music or singing, or a gentle massage can also be very soothing. Parents should try as much as possible to avoid stressful situations in the evening. Young children are the "emotional barometers" in the family, and can react to stress and excitement even if they are too young to understand the causes of this. Parents should also avoid loud noises and bright lights, especially close to bedtime. A dimmer switch can be helpful in this transition - electric lights, with their sudden shift from brightness to darkness are a new stimulus for a Stone Age baby! Room-darkening window shades can help block out morning sunlight. In a recent study, jasmine scent sprayed on bedding was found to help subjects fall asleep more quickly and to sleep more soundly. "Sleep talking" (talking softly to a sleeping child)2 is another helpful approach, during which a parent can ask the baby or child for help, provide explanations of stressful situations, apologize when needed, or simply express love to the child.
Finally, remember the Motherhood Mantra. "This too shall pass," even when it feels like nothing will ever change. One day every parent will look back on this period with a sweet longing and an amazement that it went by so quickly! These early years are an opportunity to enjoy a baby's love in all its purity.
1 For more information, see "Is This Herb Safe for Nursing Moms?".
2 See "While Children Sleep".
For more information on infant sleep, see resources at: BABY SLEEP: A REVIEW OF RESEARCH
For more on sleep training see resources at: SLEEP TRAINING: A REVIEW OF RESEARCH
thank you for this!! I am struggling with this right now...my baby is 8 months old and falls to sleep easily, but wakes every our throughout the night wanting to be rocked or nursed back to sleep. this is a good reminder that it is okay and I am not doing anything wrong because i nurse him and co-sleep.
ReplyDeleteThe self-soothing craze is annoying. I wonder how many of these parents just lie down in their bed, in the dark and instantly fall asleep?
ReplyDeleteI can never fall asleep unless I'm cuddling w/ my DH and talking to him. Yet we expect a baby to magically develop 'self-soothing' skills.
An infant that can't walk, talk, eat, change his clothes etc is expected to 'self-soothe.'
Disconnect!
I've always been a co-sleeping mama, but what about when my three year-old is still waking between 4-8 times a night and I have a 6-month-old waking between 2-6 times a night?
ReplyDeletesince you asked 4 years ago this hopefully isn't relevant to you any more!!!!...but for others: http://themilkmeg.com/the-night-boob-how-to-gently-night-wean-your-toddler-from-breastfeeding-and-bed-sharing/
DeleteLeah - sounds like for your sake, as well as your toddler and baby, it is time to night-wean your 3 year old. For some great ideas on gentle ways of doing this (that work!) see Pantley's "The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers"
ReplyDeletehttp://astore.amazon.com/peacefparent-20/detail/0071444912
You may have to make some adjustments in your 3 year old's sleep arrangements now that there is a new sibling in the picture, but there are toddler-friendly ways to go about this that won't cause your child upset. :)
Leah - one more question - are you able to tell what is causing your 3 year old to wake this often during the night? Is it to nurse? Because s/he doesn't have enough room to sleep comfortably? Is it the upset of a new baby 'taking his/her place'? Some toddlers do naturally wake at night for years - even until the age of 5, but 4-8 times is a bit much for a 3 year old when you have another baby that NEEDS your night time parenting attention.
ReplyDeleteMy son had difficulty falling asleep for the first year of his life and woke up every hour almost between 7 and 10 months. He came into this world ultra-type-A and easily overstimulated. We still hold him to fall asleep (takes 20 min) but now he routinely sleeps 10hrs at night and a takes a 2 hour nap (he abruptly became a solid sleeper at 13 months and is now 2). If he is tired he will now often say "ready to snuggle." I think the big push to self-soothe has evolved out of the unnatural way that we parent in isolation now rather than with the assistance of extended family. I have been very blessed to have a supportive husband who would never go for letting our son cry it out alone and usually is the one to hold him as he is falling asleep at night Being a BF mom that really helped because our son wanted to nurse all the time for comfort(the panacea) but wasn't able to fall asleep that way. Just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked "so when did you start sleep-training your son?" I was very happy to say "never." I'm a firm believer that they sleep when they are ready to. This girl lost her first baby to sepsis and it really impacted me at the time that you never know how long you will have your children. I refuse to look back and regret not being there for my son when he needed me. I can't imagine loosing one child and being willing to sleep-train the next. Yes, our son cried A LOT in those early months but he did so in loving arms.
ReplyDeletei am so happy that i found this blog. i have been given lots of criticism from family members for "spoiling" my baby. But, I have been parenting by following my gut instict, and that it to sleep with him close and always respond to his cries immediately. It has been so much easier for me, as well. I also didn't circumsize, because it just didn't feel right to mutilate him like that without his permission, even though I was told that it was necessary for good health. I am so glad I didn't succumb to that pressure. Thankyou so much for all the helpful information. I no longer feel like I am doing things wrong! My baby is so happy and will let anyone hold him. He has smiles for all. I have always thought that it was because he feels so secure, but know I know it is!
ReplyDeleteRebecca, I applaud you for trusting your own instincts, amidst all the pressure and misinformation. That confidence will serve you well in all your parenting.
ReplyDeleteJust a note: right now the misinformation about circumcision is huge - it seems to go in waves. When my sons were babies, it was a little more widespread practice to choose not to circumcise (since there is absolutely no good reason to do it, other than religious beliefs). Now there seems to be a new wave of bad info and fear. Congrats to you for trusting your own wisdom!
We use a schedule and various sleep aids. I was not ok with just letting her cry, but I also know she needed to self sooth. I found a sleep machine helps. At home we use a box fan in her room and when we are away from home, road trip, hotel room, grandmas house we use a sleepy bee. (sleepybees.com) I just feel like puttting her in a quite room to ʺcry it outʺ was crule, but when she was trained to sleep to the ocean waves that the sleepy bee makes or the box fan sound, she seeemd to settle herslef more easily
ReplyDelete1busymommy - we have always also had a fan on ('white noise') in the background for our babies and ourselves. This provides more restful sleep for everyone - not just babies. And having a fan or white noise has been shown to decrease SIDS risk in newborns. It likely mimics mother's heartbeat and the swish-swish sounds that baby heard in utero - helping to regulate breathing, heartbeat, etc. However, all of this can be done (and does help sleep) without any "training" necessary - it simply is how babies (and adults) sleep more soundly and do not stir and rouse to every other small noise in their environment. Of course, others accomplish this simply by having mom sleep next to her baby (or within an arm's reach) for the physiological benefits this produces. We did both - mom sleeps by baby, and the fan in the background muffles the movement/noise when she needs to get up/roll over/etc.
ReplyDeleteWe just visited my brother and sister-in-law, who left their one-month-old baby screaming in her crib by herself because she needed to learn to have a nap. They have her on a strict schedule (she's supposed to sleep at certain times, whether or not she seems tired). I couldn't even listen to the baby at one point, becuase her cry was so upset and desperate; she just wanted to be held, and they refused her. It was heartbreaking. Thanks for posting this.
ReplyDeleteHow we wish more families would adopt attachement style parenting with loving guidance. We have a few dear friends who are aligned with us on this journey and we seek to enlighten others.
ReplyDeleteThis is what our instincts say, if we listen to them. I "spoiled" my daughter in every way... Nursed her whenever she wanted to, rocked her for hours, carried her around, never let her cry for a second. And guess what? She is the most independent 2 and a half year old out there. Recently night weaned herself and started sleeping through the night, getting herself back to sleep if she awoke. (I also have a loud fan on during the night.)
ReplyDeleteAgree on the fan for night time (or nap times) that others mentioned. It makes a significant difference in the ability for everyone to get back to sleep/stay asleep rather than being woken by every little noise in the night.
ReplyDeleteOur almost-3 year old, like Camilleta's 2 1/2 year old she mentioned above, was also nursed on cue from birth on, rocked and worn for hours a day (we never used a stroller for the first 12 months of life), and never, ever left to cry for more than a split second. He is also the most independent, compassionate, empathetic, insightful 3 year old out there... likely along with all those other toddlers cared for in such a way. He also 'night weaned' himself within the past several weeks and goes back to sleep on his own much of the time now if he rouses in the night. Absolutely zero "sleep training" or forced night weaning necessary.
We also chose to space children 3+ years apart for this very reason - babies simply need to be mothered gently in their first 36 months of life (give or take a few months) and there is nothing wrong with this. It leads to healthy, secure older children and adults who are comfortable with themselves, their world, and the relationships they are able to make -- continuing the healthy/secure cycle. And isn't that what we all want? A peaceful world. :)
I find this article a bit curious: the first three alineas make a lot of sense. I expected that the conclusion would be that co-sleeping and nighttime nursing would be advocated but alas: dim the lights, read a book and spray jasmin scent. The kind of rituals all baby manuals preach. What this article lacks IMO is the emphasis on why babies cannot soothe themselves to sleep and the damage caused by sleeptraining methods like Ferber and Ford.
ReplyDeleteI have spent over 35 years sharing with parents that they have options for sleeping arrangements in their family that are their business and no on elses. When parents understand infant development and personality, they can make more sensible choices about how they handle meeting their baby's night-time needs. The whole topic of self-soothing is, to quote a currently popular phrase, a "first world problem". In truly simple or impoverished (in possessions) cultures, there is not even the option to safely put the baby in a corner and ignore it for 8 hours. A yurt or a hut are only so big (if one is lucky enough to have an enclosure with a roof to live in), and many people live there. Someone will likely be very willing to pick the baby up off the dirt floor. What a treat, a baby to hold!In a world where having a spare length of cloth, to wrap your baby onto you to keep it safe, is a luxury for many women, we in the West tend to fixate on really odd things.
ReplyDeleteI found this quote gets me through the wee hours of the morning: "Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being"
ReplyDelete~ Kittie Franz
I have to confess, I do wish my 11 month old would self soothe. I have personally witnessed other babies who simply lay down and go to sleep quietly at night in their own crib, and I have no idea why I don't have that luck. I co-slept/bed shared from the beginning, nursing on demand, etc. I'm exhausted with the night-waking (3-4 times a night) and the way my son fights going to sleep. We've tried everything - baths, shades, rocking, singing, nursing, co-sleeping, sleeping in a pack n play, sleeping in a crib, and nothing makes him go to sleep without screaming. No peaceful bedtime here. We've done the whole thing about going in 5 mins, leaving, going back in 10 mins, etc. We've tried CIO too, and he doesn't stop crying. 2 hours of him crying, he can't catch his breath. I've tossed that idea out. I don't know what else to do, but his fighting sleep is getting really old. :(
ReplyDeleteI have encouraged my boys along the road to self-soothing (they are now 6.5 and 3 years old) by being near and available but discouraging the holding and laying down with them unless they really seem to need it - and sometimes they just do ... I sit near to them and knit or crochet as I can do this in minimal light ... I sort laundry and walk in and out of the rooms putting piles of clothing by their cupboard doors, part of the morning routine is then putting these piles of clothing away 'themselves'.
ReplyDeleteI want them to feel secure in their sleeping spaces, their comfort toys, etc. and to be able to curl up in their nests and drop off, and soothe themselves back to sleep if they wake in the night, but equally they must know that their parents are 'somewhere near' and can be called upon if wanted, but their parents are not trapped in the sleeping space waiting for hours whilst a child drops off unless there is distress or illness or worries to process that mean that company is needed.
I have been struggling with trying to find ways to help my 8 month old sleep a little better at night. He sleeps from about 9 to midnight and then is up every two to three hours to nurse .... good to know I am doing everything that I need to do for him in the most gentle way possible! Especially after asking the MD that is filling in for our MD (and our MD is very AP friendly) if I am doing all I can to help baby sleep peacefully through the night and tell him we will never let him CIO... He told me chamomile in FORMULA!!!! and in big CAPITOL letters he tells me HOWEVER MUST LET HIM CRY IT OUT!
ReplyDeleteTo which I respond ... Thank you for the suggestions, HOWEVER, he is peacefully parented and will continue to be without formula or CIO!
This and a few other articles have helped me so much I am a mother of 3 but nursing for the first time and this makes me feel so much better knowing that nursing him to sleep isnt a bad thing and that I shouldnt let him cry it out
ReplyDeleteI continue to love reading these posts. My son is 18 months tomorrow and still nursing. We have never let him cry himself to sleep - I could never bear it. I like sleeping next to my husband, so why should this little creature, who can't voice his feelings in words, have to go to sleep in a dark room all by himself? He has started nursing a lot less, but he still wakes a couple times a night and I have no problems about going in and holding, hugging, patting, singing to him to help him go back to sleep. I will miss these days of my big boy wanting his Mommy!
ReplyDelete