We receive a large volume of mail from parents wondering what to tell their intact son as he grows up and becomes fully retractable on his own. Thanks to the efforts of several intact groups, parents today are getting the message: "DON'T RETRACT! Only Clean What is Seen! Wipe like a finger - outside only - warm water," as they care for their babies. But when these babies grow up, U.S. parents still do not have a good go-to source for information on how to discuss this topic with sons who may be the first intact men in several generations of their family. There is a lost shared wisdom about the intact body and how to gently and properly care for it.
In addition, there are no 'development' or 'sex ed' books in the U.S. that treat the intact male body as fully normal and not 'dirty' -- even those books that present intact male anatomy still have a paragraph or two somewhere within their covers that would lead intact boys to think they were more 'at risk' or more in need of 'cleaning' than their non-intact counterparts.
As such, we are working on a series of items geared specifically for boys growing up and the parents who want to know, "What do I say to him?!" If you are a parent of intact sons, or are a man (of any age) who has grown up intact, and you'd like to share any aspect of your story to benefit these young men today, or their parents, please drop us a note. We would love to hear your voice in response to some of the questions below as well. They will be compiled with others' answers, and used anonymously/first name or pseudonym only (depending on the respondent's preference) to lend insight into what all the other guys are doing...
Responses, questions or personal stories may be sent to: DrMomma.org@gmail.com
Questions for Intact Men:
1) How do you 'clean'? Be as specific as you like. It will help others who are new to all things intact.
2) If you remember bath time as a child, was there anything your parents said/did not say or do/not do that was specific to your intact state?
3) What would you tell parents who have an intact boy and would like to know what to do after he is retracting on his own?
4) What would you suggest that parents say/not say to their child as he reaches his pre-teen years/puberty?
5) Is there a foreskin-friendly/intact-friendly book for boys growing up that you know of?
6) Any other comments that would be useful to a generation of U.S. parents raising intact sons for the first time?
Thank you for sharing and helping out a new generation of young men!
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I'll have to ask my hubby to write to you about this.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to read and share the responses :) Great idea
ReplyDeleteAs the Mama to the only intact boy that I know of ANYwhere in generations, I am very interested in hearing these answers!
ReplyDeleteFor those of us who may be raising intact boys, will there be any kind of notification sent out when this whole thing is compiled? I'd love to get it when it is. Thanks for doing this!
ReplyDeleteMy son will be 3 in Jan and is intact... we are learning so much from you!! the best advice so far is the general washing, and the ballooning- which ended up being super important to learn about as it happened the same day I read your article :)
ReplyDeleteMy fiance and I broke the cycle with our son. It's great to have solid information available, since it seems even pediatricians don't always know what's best.
ReplyDeleteI can talk about fighting with one's husband over leaving a child intact, and having a husband who is still very unhappy about it. I can talk about how vigilant one must be during well baby visits with U.S. trained medical professionals.
ReplyDeleteI REALLY appreciate Jennifer Coais's (sp?) articles on normal development. I don't know what I'd do without them. I'd be at the mercy of the doctors and that is no good in my area (Southeast)
Our son will be 10 in October. He is intact and we have had no problems since we stopped trying to get him to retract to clean. Early on, we were told that we should pull it back to clean and help it separate more and more over time. (By our, then, pediatrician.) Now we know better and haven't followed that advice for about 6 years. Before then he would get red and irritated. (no wonder!)
ReplyDeleteHe has asked us about why he looks different than dad and we are just honest with him. We told him the truth: that some people cut part from the tip of the penis when they have a baby boy, but that it isn't a healthy choice and it's very painful. We said that we didn't want to hurt him. When he asked why people do that to their little babies, we told him the truth-- that there are a lot of people who are confused and make bad choices. I'm not worried about him comparing himself with other boys in school, because children here do not shower together or get naked for sports or PE here, but if he ever has questions we will answer them with facts. I think honesty is always the best policy.
I seriously don't understand why this is such a big deal in the states! Every man/boy I know (except one) is still intact.
ReplyDeleteI have 2 intact sons, 2 intact daughters and I can tell you one thing for certain: the girls are much, much more difficult to keep "clean" than the boys are. If we can wash our daughters - all in their baby crevices, and if women can learn to shower without having their many parts sliced and diced, then I am fully confident it can be the same with boys/men who have much less down there to deal with.
ReplyDeleteMy boys are intact, and the only ones on both sides who are. I remember not long ago trying to explain circumcision to my daughter and oldest son (7 and 9) and they were HORRIFIED. My daughter kept asking "How could someone do that to a little baby?" So, I'm hoping this means the cycle is broken for good in this family. :)
ReplyDeleteI have 4 boys. I just bathed them as babies in warm water and as toddlers let them play in the bath ...never had problems with their bits ...leave it alone ...
ReplyDeleteMy husband is intact which helped me became aware of it since my family is not.. But he says when the time came his father who also is showed him how to wash and I'd imagine when it retracted naturally.. But he never felt weird for being different and he likes it LOL and as a wife of an intact man.. I'm very happy with it ;) i added that part since some use that as a reason to just cut it and say "but what will women think" and again I say I like it! Lol
ReplyDeleteMy brother is intact and growing up there was nothing special our mom did for either of us. No special instructions for him. He is perfectly well adjusted and normal! Also, he has never had any infections, UTI or whatever else those pro-circ people try to claim....
ReplyDeleteI never told my boys how to wash. I just left them to play in the bath ...that cleaned them and they have all grown up fine. My oldest is 25 my youngest 13 (I have 4 boys). You dont have to do anything with it or tell them what to do ...Please people dont mess with it, dont encourage them to mess... God made them this way and nature has a way of looking after them as they grow :)
ReplyDeleteMany U.S. pediatricians are so misinformed...and this leads to unnecessary circumcision (like after ballooning!). Great to see an almost 70% intact rate for boys born in 2009!!! Now just to get to 99%...
ReplyDeleteThis is a great idea! There's a TON of information out there about baby/young child intact care, but not much about when they get older. My son is almost 13, and hitting puberty, so it would be nice to have more info to support him with.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion the best book for pubescent boys is The What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys (3rd rev. ed) by Linda Madaras. It has a great chapter on the intact penis, progressive retraction, cleaning, etc. It's available on amazon.com.
ReplyDeleteI was just going to order "What's Happening to My Body" (3rd Edition) to see how it was. I thought in a past edition there was still a page or two about intact boys having to spend more time on cleaning (which left a bad taste in my mouth) but maybe the new edition has eliminated such things. Or, maybe I am mistaken and recalling a similar book in the "What's Happening?" series.
ReplyDeletehttp://astore.amazon.com/peacefparent-20/detail/1557047693
Every man I know here in the UK is intact.. Circumcision is not standard practice in Europe x
ReplyDeleteZion
http://mammasforvictory.blogspot.com
Does the 70% (wow that is great news) include members of the Jewish faith who would circumcise later? As the mother of an intact toddler with lots of Jewish friends, though I am not of this faith, I am often wondering how to broach this conversation. Is the practice changing for all religions, or primarily the Christian set?
ReplyDeleteI'll have to check with the hubs and see if he wants to chime in on this.
ReplyDeleteTo the last Anon - the 2009 CDC stat came from boys who were cut in hospitals or clinics, or those whose insurance covered the cutting, during their first year of life. This would not include those who were cut at home. However, the Jewish population is less than 3% in the U.S. and even if ALL Jews cut their sons (which they do not - some of the most outspoken against genital cutting are Jewish physicians, parents, pediatricians, historians, sexologists, etc.) - but even if each one of us did, it would not change the overall percentage nationwide very significantly. The vast majority in the U.S. is by those who are uninformed and doing so for non-religious reasons.
ReplyDeleteThis page has several great resources to share with your Jewish friends:
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/06/circumcision-jewish-fathers-making.html
The Brits usually only circumsise if there is a medical reason. You might want to check out Amazon's British site for sex ed books for boys.
ReplyDeleteI am pregnant with my first child- a beautiful boy who I can't wait to meet...and he will be intact! My husband would like him done but said that we'd look into it but today I have told him its not happening and he agreed. My ex was uncirc and I way preferred that (Something i'd never tell hubby!) I look at hubby's scar which is STILL mildly red and noticeable even though he had it done as a newborn...I feel sorry for him and wish that he wasn't as well.
ReplyDeleteMy penis retracted on it's own before I was in charge of bathing myself. After that, the only thing I remember being told "extra" was that my father told me to retract it when bathing at least every couple of showers/baths (used to remind me by saying "don't forget to find the 'purple-headed monster' and wash it!")
ReplyDeleteI have 3 sons when they were born first thing the doctor ask my wife was to sign the consent to circumcised my sons I was there to say NO thanks,they never had any problems till this day.
ReplyDelete